Misandry is the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against boys and men in general, and is often associated with the suffering of males being mocked, minimised, dismissed, encouraged and celebrated.

A 2016 article, highlights that men seem unable to grasp the “very real fact that misandry isn’t a real thing”, saying that misandry is only a theory; not a practice. This is simply not true. Whilst debates could occur regarding the extent to which misandry exists, I am not convinced that we can rationally question the existence of misandry when so much evidence highlights its prevalence. Misandry definitely exists. Below are a few examples.

Social experiments by BBC (1), BBC (2), Mankind Initiative and OCK TV show how male perpetrated violence against females generates a supportive response, whereas female perpetrated violence against males generates little or no supportive response with many onlookers laughing as the woman hits the man. Perhaps this is not a great surprise as the violence perpetrated by women against men is often portrayed on TV as acceptable and humorous.

Earlier in 2020 a number of girls and women recorded themselves hitting their unsuspecting male partners in the face with purses and bags in a trend that became known as the ‘purse challenge’. Another video showed women joking about abusing men, saying that men can’t say no to sex if women wanted it. In 2012 Jenny McCarthy joked about grabbing Justin Bieber’s bum referring to it as “cougar rape”. Keep the behaviour and swap the sexes. Does your perception change?

Strategies aimed at tackling violence against women and girls exist, but strategies aimed at tackling violence against men and boys do not currently exist, despite data from The Office of National Statistics highlighting that men more than women are more likely to be victims of violent crime. Furthermore, MP Ben Bradley received a torrent of abuse after suggesting it would be useful to have men’s minister.

A 2018 report highlights how boys are “barely addressed” in some legal frameworks around sexual violence, and that a number of countries have laws around rape that lack legal protection for boys. The offence of rape in the 2003 Sexual Offences Act is worded in such a way that makes it legally possible for males to perpetrate rape, but not women.

Panellists and audience members on ‘The Talk’ laughed when a woman cut off a man’s penis, and audience members of the ‘Jeremy Kyle Show’ laughed when a man shared how he was forced to jump from a three-story balcony after his abusive partner locked him in their flat.

Merchandise containing the text; “Boys are Stupid Throw Rocks at Them” can be purchased on Amazon, and huge numbers of people, including MPs, journalists and celebrities use social media to promote misandry, and dismiss and belittle the disadvantages facing boys and men. Just go to Twitter and see how many accounts are dedicated to the killing of all men, compared to how many are dedicated to the killing of all women, and see how many other online groups encourage and celebrate the abuse of males.

A 2015 article revealed findings from an international study highlighting that teachers give girls higher results than boys, even when they have produced the same quality of work. A 2020 article entitled ‘The Myth of Pervasive Misogyny’, highlights a number of studies demonstrating biases and attitudes that appear to favour women.

These are just a few examples of misandry. There are many more. Moxon (2018) highlights how findings from research indicate that misandry is real, and in 2016 Kort wrote an article entitled ‘Misandry: The Invisible Hatred of Men’ but the hatred of men is no longer invisible; in fact, it’s very visible. It’s just excused and justified to such an extreme extent that some people think it doesn’t exist. In their book ‘Spreading Misandry’ Nathanson and Young highlight that many people cannot, or will not see the evidence of misandry around them.

A recent example of misandry is the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag that was trending online, and often followed comments such as “Men are trash/scum”, “The world doesn’t need men anymore”, “I’m a proud man-hater”, “The world would be better off without men”, “All men are good for is dying in war”, “Being a man makes you an automatic failure”, and “Go and kill yourself and help increase the male suicide rate”. I could go on.

Below are some of the comments that attempt to justify, minimise and excuse misandry and the ‘KillAllmen’ hashtag, followed by a response to these comments.

“It’s only a joke”

First of all, there are a number of social media users who explicitly type “Kill All Men. I’m not joking.”

Second of all, the implication that it’s OK to “joke” about the killing of all men when the majority of homicides, suicides and work place fatalities are male, is at best, in poor taste. “Kill All Men” is not a joke. It’s a simple statement, and a pretty hateful one at that.

So many people are expecting boys and men to see the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag as a joke. Such an expectation is unreasonable, especially as these three words are often posted online with little or no context, or as a response to one man, or a small number of men displaying unacceptable behaviour. Newsflash; decent men don’t want to be tarred with the same brush as abusive men, especially as some of them have also been abused by men, any others (like men in general) do a lot more to combat abuse, than they do to perpetrate it.

In a 2016 article, referenced earlier jokes and insults made against women were condemned, but similar jokes and insults made against men appeared to be excused. A 2020 article implies that it is unacceptable to trivialise the rape of women but seems to suggest it is acceptable to joke about the killing of men.

I wouldn’t blame girls and women for getting angry and responding strongly to ‘KillAllWomen’, and I certainly wouldn’t expect them to see it as a joke, so how can it be reasonable for anyone to expect men not to get angry and respond strongly to ‘KillAllMen’ and see it as a joke? It just doesn’t make sense.

Some have responded to the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag with ‘KillAllWomen; another hashtag I do not support. Comments that often follow include “It’s OK for women to joke about killing all men because men aren’t actually being killed by women.” This is simply not true. A 2019 article highlights how Conner Cowper was killed by his girlfriend who reportedly bragged about being a man-hater. Whilst this is an extreme example, this person is not the only female killer who has murdered a male, and based on comments made on social media, she is certainly not the only person who is proud of being a man-hater.

Whilst women may not be killing men at the same rate men are killing women, both rates are rather low in the grand scheme of things, and this is not a reasonable excuse to promote the killing of all men, because of the actions of the minority.

Promoting the belief that there are reasons making it acceptable to joke about killing all men but that there are never reasons making it acceptable to joke about killing all women not only sets up an unhelpful hierarchy but also promotes a delusional and unjust belief of entitlement. How about we don’t joke about killing men or women?

“We don’t mean it”

If you don’t mean it – don’t say it. Simple. Why would you say something you don’t mean? Especially about such an emotive issue, and especially on social media where communication is open to interpretation at the best of times.

If I see an offer online saying ‘Any pizza for £5’ I will not be happy if I am later told that the offer doesn’t apply to all pizzas. The takeaway has said something they don’t mean, and not made their terms clear, subsequently resulting in conflict. Some of those who are posting ‘KillAllMen’ are not making their terms or reasoning clear, and are only doing so with poor justification after they have been challenged.

As highlighted above, some who have posted ‘KillAllMen’ follow this by saying that they do mean it and that the world does not need men because sperm can be developed from bone marrow. This implies that the only use males have is to produce sperm. A vast amount of data has highlighted the various positive contributions men have uniquely/disproportionately made to society, so that’s simply not true.

Other comments have said that women don’t really hate men, and whilst I would agree that most women do not hate men, a loud and significant minority do, with perhaps many more having contempt for men to the degree that they expect them to endure behaviour that they themselves would label as unacceptable if it was perpetrated against them.

A 2020 article says that “Kill All Men” should be seen as a cry for the death of “the patriarchy”. First of all, if you want to kill the patriarchy say “Kill The Patriarchy” not “Kill All Men”. Second of all, such a suggestion implies that the patriarchy exists, and that it’s OK to say “Kill All Men” when you actually mean “Kill The Patriarchy” because all men contribute toward and are part of “the patriarchy”. For videos that debunk Patriarchy theory see videos by Dr Jeffrey Ketland, Will Knowland and Dr Jordan Peterson

The 2020 article mentioned above also highlights that feminists don’t want men to die, they want the death of “conventional masculinity”. Perhaps we need to remember that what is being called “conventional masculinity” has played a huge role in protecting people, providing for loved ones, saving lives and building civilization.

I have been abused by women but I don’t say “Kill All Women” because I know that the majority of women are not abusers, just like the majority of men are not abusers, and if I were to say “Kill All Women” or “All Women Are Abusers” I would not mean it. How can anyone hope to engage in rational discussion or debate if we are saying things we don’t mean?

When you say “Kill All Men” don’t expect people to know that what you really mean is “Kill All Abusive Men” or “Kill All Misogynists” etc. because that is not what you have said. Some have said than ‘KillAllAbusiveMen’ doesn’t sound as good as ‘KillAllMen’ but expecting boys and men to put up with that because it sounds better, and expecting them not to respond to, or criticise such a statement is unreasonable.

“If you get offended, you are part of the problem and one of the men we are talking about”

This makes absolutely no sense, and suggests that if a man gets offended by the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag he is a problem simply because he got offended. Not only does this show some rather bizarre and distorted thinking, it implies that a man’s displeasure at the hateful comment is irrelevant compared to the reasons why people choose to make the comment. This is not only unreasonable but also very dangerous territory as it implies there are times when it’s OK to make comments that label all members of a group in a particular way based on someone’s individual experience, and the harmful actions of the minority of said group.

Imagine the increased outrage if a man said “Women who get offended with a the ‘KillAllWomen’ hashtag are part of the problem and are the very women we are talking about.” Imagine the outrage if any other group of people were expected to endure a hateful hashtag that promoted their killing because a small percentage of that group perpetrated abuse.

A 2020 article referenced earlier implies that if men are offended by the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag they do not have confidence in their treatment of, and respect for women. Not only does this show some pretty interesting mental gymnastics at play, but it’s a huge assumption that suggests men who get offended by the hashtag do not have confidence in their treatment of and respect for women. No. Men simply don’t want to be told to kill themselves because of the harmful actions of other men; the minority.

It’s also quite ironic that the author is talking about respect, when I think we can reasonably say that expecting men to endure the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag is anything but respectful.

A 2020 article referenced earlier highlights that joking can help victims process traumatic events, implying that “joking” about killing all men will help victims. This suggests that many of those who tweet ‘KillAllMen’ have been abused by men. Whilst I am sure some have, it’s reasonable to say that some have not. Many of these hateful comments are being made to spread misandry and promote a false narrative that men in general are harmful, not to help process trauma at all, and even if they, are we seriously saying that posting the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag is a healthy and acceptable way to process trauma?

If we are expecting men to stay silent whilst people are tweeting ‘KillAllMen’ in an attempt to process trauma perpetrated by men, equality means that we should also expect women to stay silent when people tweet ‘KillAllWomen’ in an attempt to process trauma perpetrated women. If we are not promoting equality, then we are promoting privilege.

Perhaps it is a lot more reasonable and helpful to find ways that process trauma that do not promote a form of hate or prejudice. I am not convinced that dealing with the consequences of one type of abuse by perpetrating a different type of abuse is the most effective way of dealing with the original abuse.

“You can’t oppress men. They are the oppressors”

The very fact that I, and many other boys and men have been told to “Shut up”, “Stop crying”, and “Stop pretending you’re oppressed” after complaining about the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag is perhaps one element that contributes towards reasonably illustrating oppression towards males .

A 2016 article referenced earlier states:

Fundamentally, a group cannot be in a position of systemic power and continue to hold that position of power, then accuse the oppressed who are trying to create a fairer world that they are being oppressive.

This is a rather rigid way of looking at things. Promoting an oversimplified narrative that suggests men are only ever the oppressors/perpetrators, and that women are only ever the oppressed/victims doesn’t just ignore the evidence that dispels such a narrative, but perhaps it also shows bias.

Another, and perhaps more realistic way of looking at things is acknowledging the possibly for a group of people to experience advantage in certain areas whilst experiencing disadvantage in other areas.

I fail to see how men can reasonably be called the oppressors when there is so much evidence and data highlighting suffering and disadvantages that disproportionately affect men.

Even if we agreed that men cannot be oppressed, does this mean it’s OK to expect them to put up with the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag? No.

“The effects of misandry aren’t as bad as the effects of misogyny”

This really depends on what effects we are talking about, and what behaviour is fuelled by misandry. If a woman hits a man because she couldn’t control her anger, this is not misandry, but if a woman hits a man because she couldn’t control her anger, and because she thinks it’s OK to hit men because men should be able to take it; that is misandry.

Colleagues and I have certainly worked with a number of boys and men who experienced horrific abuse and extreme trauma at the hands of some who clearly had misandrists views.

Even if the effects of misandry aren’t “as bad” as the effects of misogyny – so what? It’s not a competition, and just because some may believe that misogynist behaviour is worse for girls and women than misandrist behaviour is for boys and men, what are we saying? That this justifies misandrist behaviour?

In her 2020 presentation on coercive control and domestic violence, Professor Nicola Graham-Kevan states how one of the most consistent differences between men and women that is highlighted in research is that men and women differ in how much fear they report, highting that men are socialised and maybe even evolved to not express vulnerability. Perhaps this is an important point to remember in how boys and men report the adverse effects of misandrist behaviour.

Whilst some say that men are just “keen” to be victims, I really don’t think that’s the case at all. Men simply don’t want to be treated like sh*t, simply because they’re male.

The effect on boys

Commenting on findings from an Early Years survey, Kate Middleton states that how children are raised will impact future society. With this in mind perhaps we should think about how so many people posting ‘KillAllMen’ may adversely affect not only men, but also boys who will become men. A 2020 study highlights how 88% of men agree that the term ‘toxic masculinity’ may have a harmful impact on boys, so it’s perhaps not too much of a stretch to say that the constant posting of “Kill All Men” may also have a harmful impact on boys.

I saw that one boy commented on the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag online, saying that it always made him think that he should be constantly questioning if he’d done anything wrong. Colleagues and I are also starting to hear boys telling us that due to the messages they are receiving from peers, media, society, school, social media and in some cases, their parents, they are questioning if being a boy makes them bad. I have received messages from a number of boys telling me how they are expected to endure misandry and the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag, but how they don’t feel they have the confidence to challenge it. I have heard of boys being silenced in school for challenging misandry, and I have known of groups of boys being gathered in an assembly and told not to rape anyone, whilst girls are gathered in an assembly and told; their body, their choice.

Below is a quote from a boy who gave permission for his comment to be shared:

“There weren’t many boys in my class. The girls and the female teacher joked about locking all the boys in the school up saying boys are nasty and smelly and that they should all be pushed off a cliff. The girls and the teacher laughed and I just felt like I couldn’t say anything. There were more of them than me and some of the other boys didn’t really say anything. I just felt that I was hated for being a boy.”

What message are we giving our boys? Calling masculinity “toxic”, responding to boys as if they’re rapist in the making, the constant posting of ‘KillAllMen’, the regular mocking and belittling of male suffering; how is any of this going to help our boys? The boys who are already struggling with their mental health and self-confidence; the boys who are being or have been abused and are struggling to disclose and engage with services; the boys who are affected by abuse and violence in the home; the boys who are struggling in school. Do we really think such behaviours will help our boys? Do we even care?

There are established links between bullying and suicide, so I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag could play part in some boys taking their own life. Perhaps we are now starting to more visibly see the adverse effects of misandry. The boys of today who will become the men of tomorrow are starting to see just how rife misandry is. If we want boys to grow up to become functional and healthy men, perhaps we have a better chance of achieving this if we stop regularly making misandrist comments such as “Kill All Men”, and expecting boys and men to endure it.

Perhaps we should also think about how the ‘KillAllMen’ hashtag will be experienced by the men in our lives; the men who have helped us; the men who protected us when we needed protection; the Dads who protected their daughters from abuse, and the husbands who protected their wives and children from harm; the men who supported and protected their loved ones from abusive people; the men who worked hard to provide for their families; the men you care about who have never abused anyone but have supported you. How will these male protectors, providers and supporters feel being lumped in with the abusers they protected their loved ones from? Their sex connects them but their behaviour doesn’t.

Rather than demonising men for being male, perhaps we should start to value and acknowledge their positive contributions: the men who risk their lives to protect us; the police officers, fire fighters, rescue workers, soldiers and the men on the street. The men who contribute to our society; the construction workers building our houses; the workers maintaining our roads; the scientists and inventors developing lifesaving drugs and life changing technology.

Conclusion

Whilst some of the suffering and disadvantages uniquely/disproportionately experienced by boys and men are not necessarily because they are male (just like some suffering and disadvantages uniquely/disproportionately experienced by girls and women are not because they are female), some definitely are.

Misandry is happening on a global scale and is evidenced by the mass mocking, minimising, dismissing, encouraging and celebrating of the various forms of abuse, suffering and disadvantages experienced by boys and men: the online accounts dedicated to misandry; the absence of male-friendly services and strategies; the treatment of Dads in family courts; the male victims of domestic violence who are automatically arrested when they should be supported; the boys and men who are falsely accused of abuse; the male victims of paternity fraud; the sniggering of MPs and people of influence at the suggesting of appointing a Men’s Minister; men being labelled as abusers and rapists because they’re male, the list is endless.

A number of people told me not to write this blog, telling me I would receive online abuse and death threats. Whilst I am sadly used to receiving such abuse, perhaps such a response contributes towards why it is so important to highlight and tackle misandry.

I hope the reader will see that I am not wanting to take anything away from girls and women, and that I simply want to highlight the prevalence of misandry and the adverse effects that appear to be becoming more visible.

#SayNoToMisandry
#StopSayingKillAllMen

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